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Many people would never know that a friend or loved one is going through conception issues. So many couples hide it from the whole world and live in complete isolation. Often it is not something that they open up about until afterwards.
If you are privileged enough to have a friend or loved one confide in you, here are some tips to guide you in supporting them:
1. Reassurance: It has probably taken all their courage and confidence to open up about what they are going through. They are most likely feeling embarrassed, ashamed and inferior. There is not a lot you can say that will change that. They are already exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Be mindful that there may be a number of reasons why they have decided to tell you- they may feel as though they can no longer hide it, or feel that they need your help or support to continue on. Thank them for telling you and reassure them that you won't break their confidence by telling others. At the same time, asking if there is anyone else they want you to tell on their behalf is helpful too. When I first told my mother, I asked her to also tell my siblings, I wanted them to know and knew I needed their support but couldn't face telling our story and reliving the stress over and over.
2. Educate yourself. IVF is a complicated and technical process; it can be difficult to understand how it works. Do some reading and learn about the process. Your loved one may want to spend their time sharing their feelings instead of explaining the nitty gritty details to you. Taking the time to understand the process will also show them how much you are willing to support them.
3. Let them call the shots. Don't be afraid to ask things like: 'What help do you need? Is it ok if I check in to see how you're going? Let me know if you need anything'. Once we opened up about what we were going through, we were OK with a select few people knowing in general about our journey, but we didn't want others to know exactly when we were in the thick of a cycle, as the added pressure of feeling as though we needed to inform them of the outcome was too much. We normally told people after the fact.
4. Distance. Don't be offended if they distance themselves from you during a cycle. This was our coping mechanism. IVF rules your life, and can be difficult to hide, when you're full of drugs and emotions, you feel like you're bursting at the seam. Sometimes it's hard to be around others and act normal. It can be difficult to come up with cover stories to explain your behaviour or feelings, don't be offended, just be there when they need you.
5. D-day. If you do know when your friend or family member is finding out their results, either because they've told you or you've calculated it, don't pester them, wait for them to tell you. It may take a while, they may not tell you that day, that week or perhaps even that month. It's probably the hardest part of the whole messy business, it will take time for them to get their head around their feelings and potentially grieve if the result is negative. You don't want to add pressure to that.
6. Distraction. Offer alternate things to do, think and talk about. Sometimes it's nice to hear about 'normal' life and to attempt to go about doing normal things in order to keep your mind out of IVF as much as possible. This includes talking about your children. Some of my closest friends didn't feel they could talk about their children and babies in fear of offending me, it's totally ok, just don't go overboard.
7. Be practical. If you are really close, offer to go along to some appointments, this is very private and sensitive and is something only a best friend, sister or mother could do. Don’t always assume she doesn’t want someone, or even that she has someone there to support her. I was attending appointments every second day, and my husband often couldn't attend due to work commitments. Some days I would spend an hour in my car after an appointment hysterically crying and trying to pull myself together enough to drive to work. Just occasionally it would have been nice to have someone there with me. Be open to receiving a phone call at 7am in the morning to debrief on their latest appointment. You can also offer practical things to help such as cooking meals, walking the dog, driving other children to school or sporting commitments or just simply coming over for a cuppa.
8. Keep checking in. Sometimes it can be hard to find the words to say, and you can be afraid of saying the wrong thing, but saying nothing can be worse. Don't ignore the elephant in the room. Going through IVF can be extremely isolating. Simply saying "I'm thinking of you", "I know this is a really difficult time for you" or "I'm here if you need me" is enough.
9. Work. If you are a work colleague, be understanding that it will affect her/his work life. They will have to attend a lot of appointments and often at short notice. She will be emotional, hormonal and stressed. A little kindness, understanding and empathy goes a long way.
10. More. Read up on "What you should never say to someone having conception issues"
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