To share or not to share?

Anyone going through IVF will know that it consumes your every waking moment. You dream about it, stress about it, and think about everything you put into your body, and everything that comes out- will that be helpful, or a hindrance? You count the days, the weeks, the months, the blood tests, the doctor’s visits, the scans, the injections, and most of all the money. It’s a strange feeling to be going through something that is so utterly consuming and feeling as though there is not a soul out there that has any understanding of what you are experiencing.

For many people undergoing IVF, it may well be the hardest thing they will ever experience, made worse by the perception that you have to do it alone. So many couples and singles choose not to share and go about the process in isolation, there may be a number of reasons for this:

· A feeling of shame and embarrassment.

· Not wanting to admit that there is something wrong or that your life hasn’t gone to plan.

· A sense of needing to keep your experience private and intimate.

· Admitting to the associated grief that comes from a life that may not ever eventuate.

· Not wanting the associated pressure that comes with telling people- most couples already put enough pressure on themselves without having to feel like others in their life are also hoping, wishing and willing it to work.

· Having to tell those that know, when it doesn’t work.

· Having to deal with other people’s opinions and beliefs.

· Having to explain and justify your choices and decisions.

· Not wanting to have your sex life thrown onto a table for others to discuss.

· Not wanting to deal with the prying questions and need for information from others.

· A perception that the subject is ‘taboo’ and should not be talked about.

· Not wanting to offend others feelings or beliefs on the subject.

· Not wanting to make others uncomfortable or emotional.

· The perception that you must have a lot of money if you are going through IVF.

We went about our journey for years before we told anyone. We felt like our lives were crumbling every minute of every day, whilst everyone around us had no idea. If we were going to survive this we needed help and we needed support. We couldn’t handle suffering in silence anymore.

So the decision was made, we spoke up. We told our closest friends and family. We didn’t know what to expect, we knew there would be questions and we were fine with that, but we weren’t sure if we would be judged and we weren’t sure how people would take it.

What we didn’t expect was that the prying questions about ‘When were we going to have babies” almost completely stopped. It was a small respite in the storm.

As this was the first time they even knew we were trying to conceive, there was a sense of excitement from others in our lives. As supportive and sympathetic as everyone was to our cause, I don’t think there was a true sense of the harrowing nature of our journey. It’s impossible really, to truly understand until you have been there shouldering the burden and trying to find your stamina to continue on day after day.

Overall our friends and relatives were positive, something we felt was running in short supply for us. They showed us amazing support, openness and warmth. It was actually a huge relief, a weight and burden that we had been carrying had been lifted.

Once we told our nearest and dearest we were able to open up to a few more people in our lives, it was actually a bit of a slippery slope, before I knew it, we were ‘out of the closest’ which was unnerving, but great.

What we also discovered from ‘coming out’ was the people around us that approached us to tell their story, what they were going through or what they had been through. We were blown away that there was so many others who had been there too. Some of these people hadn’t ever shared their story with others, and they too felt a sense of relief and bonding that only comes through the sharing of an experience with another who knows only too well, exactly what you are going through.

We have not regretted for one moment, our decision to share our experience.